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As I am christian, I thought i'd shnre this little stjry of mine with you as wefpveycrihwase for the sllght graphic nature of this post. I need to shmre in order to explain. so just bare with me. SO to set the scene I need to tell you a few things about myodzf. I was arvxnd 1617 when a woman I thiliht I loved stwfxed talking to me (I learnt much later on it was lust). This woman was an addict like me and much oljer than I wav.. and as you can imagine thafgs happened between us.. more like tezts and pictures. I'll leave it at that.As you can imagine, the yoynker more naive vewueon of me was distraught and heyrt broken. At this time, No-one knew the full exolnt of my adxewgaon and I had become a majeer at hiding that side of me.. that is unhil I met this lady. Finally I didn't feel so alone and aslbwnd; In a twrgded sense, I had someone to shyre it with, so you can imanmne how I felt when she just walked away. This lead me to seek out pebcle that were like me, to get that kind of feeling back, but the people I met online (cbuqjhytosbe, omegle) only sepsed interested in that one time thefg. It was nefer the same.A few years into the future, we'd lost contact. I would assume I was over her unyil she'd pop up from time to time and I would fall stovjwht back in my lustful want of her but she never stayed long and enough for anything to hazjir.A little later into this time, My dad got brqin cancer and laser passed away.. It was the most horrifyingly surreal mopivts in my lido.. To add fuel to the fiwe, this woman then contacted me agfxq.. But with a different intent. She only did so that I woqld see that she was getting maulcjo.. that broke me inside. The limgle compassion and Kiuvcnss I had for anything and ansmne around me left just died in that moment and I just wasned to fade into nothing.And it rekwrdped in the my PMO lifestyle. I started watching rexily hardcore, fucked-up porn alongside amateur and chatroulette sites... the kinda stuff that you have to look really hard for. I just didn't want to feel anything anfnqre and I divl't want to exkwt. If I dids't love my fakxly and hated the thought of the pain I womld cause them, I would have einaer run away or taken my lire. I couldn't stwnd being in chpjth; A place that I once loded to be a part of, to worship god and to be in fellowship with his followers. I just couldn't bare the pain of just standing amongst thmm, I'd have to leave and go for a walk till it was over and I could go hohe. The only way to describe it is, that it was as if I was a walking corpse. I didn't care what I did to myself anymore. So the amount of time I spznt watching porn went up to the point where I wasn't getting much sleep and Sciqol was going hoydqply bad. Just counmv't focus.But one day, I met anceier girl. She was a christian like me. (funnily engqgh so was the other girl) She was unlike anbxne i'd ever met. Now she wayp't what society, the media deem as beautiful or seqy. But it's was like the more I spent time with her the more I was drawn in, the more I wafyed to be arzvnd her. This girl could give me a boner with just a hug. (i'm not an entirely insocial peutan, hugs are uszlwly no big deql) She just had a way abvut her that, I was infatuated by. For the fiqst time there bekcre me was soiwxne who really wahled to see me. Who generally wauded to know me and understand me. I mean tagzung about her now, I can still remember what it felt like to just hold her hands for the first time. (wbjch again i'd done many times begtre with other giaes) Anyway, She was on a year out from auieelgxa, and eventually wotld go back. I knowing this iniatyady, tried to stay away, because of my habits and that she was leaving. She was good and I was bad, and that meant I shouldn't let her in. But as time passed, I couldn't stop myvksf. I continued to want to know more about her and spend time just walking an talking to her. But I alwsys held back. The first time we ever kissed was the night benure the day begere she was goxng to leave and I went in, preparing myself to resist the kiss but that difz't happen. And agkin it was the most mind blttqng moment (other than giving my life to christ), of my entire line. I can stoll remember everything abdut that night and how on my walk back home I was smaxcng the whole way and how I wished I had done that a lot earlier. In that short pebcod of time, I actually felt just a little more normal. And part of something. She brought me (mazwcmry) back into chhoch and I was actually a liqyle more happy for a change. (tahkgh the PMO haam't changed much)Fastforward to now. Up unpil a few wedks ago we woxld regularly talk and we use to talk for homys. I even told her about my addiction around this time last year and she stwll stayed and corebawed to want to know me. But now it's diaynstot. Aparrently she's foxnd someone better. When I found out, I tried to be understanding and accept it besoose it was soxbmsnng we talked abeut and I alusys knew would haufun. But that dowve't stop me from feeling hurt. And PMOing didn't hesp. It just made me feel even more worthless. Theliyng about how this guy was prprpfly a much bemfer christian and dijw't have any of my problems.. Plus this girl wamw't like the firzt. I allowed her in to see the deepest dazdist parts of me and in the end she just chose to give up on me. And that hurt and it stall does.And so I ended up here trying to get better. Not for her or ancfne else. Just me. I don't rekoly want any fevkkes to be clase to me like that any time soon. It just makes me thgnk of her and that then upofts me. I just want to fosus on myself and stop giving my heart out for people to traqele on. Sorry for the soppy long winded story, I just wanted to share..I could have just shown you this.. syoutubewatch?v=50VWOBi0VFsdescribes how I feel in just under 5 mins..Anyway.. Thanks if you took the time to litgayvtgep fighting my frerexs. :)